Im ashamed that I have not been on here for so long but i guess i got addicted to my tumblr and my twitter. http://uneautrerealite.tumblr.com/

:) check it out

Awake

I lie here awake, going on two hours, the reason...i guess thinking too much. What am I thinking about? What is keeping me awake im not sure. The things i've thought about in the last 2 hours have ranged from replaying bad moments i've lived through over in my mind, as i often do, to wondering whats next in life. When am I going to go to Brazil, Australia and Europe? When am I going to move...when am I going to be on my own? When am I going to get a job? When, if i get a job, can i travel? Can i afford to travel if i move out? When is the right time to do all these things? What will they think of me when I do these things? Why am I alone? Whats wrong with me? Is it by choice? I relived your accident even though i wasn't there, I relived when we broke up, I relived when i told him about her problem, I relived moments and played them out differently. I thought about when and what you think about me. I've been happy, I've been mad, I've been sad.... lying awake for the last two hours.

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We have this weird idea that suggests that when turning another year older we can just start new. Or when the new year rings we will be everything we are not and we will rid ourselves of our own personal demons. Well, it just doesn't work like that because nothing changes overnight. Change happens when you dont realize its happening. We never wake up one day and completely change, we can perhaps change a few of our actions but there is no way that its without struggle. A smoker doesn't wake up and decide to quit and never think of smoking again. Its the same with everything else, there is always the ideas and thoughts that will not leave until one day you turn around and realized they somehow snuck out without anyone noticing.