Awake

I lie here awake, going on two hours, the reason...i guess thinking too much. What am I thinking about? What is keeping me awake im not sure. The things i've thought about in the last 2 hours have ranged from replaying bad moments i've lived through over in my mind, as i often do, to wondering whats next in life. When am I going to go to Brazil, Australia and Europe? When am I going to move...when am I going to be on my own? When am I going to get a job? When, if i get a job, can i travel? Can i afford to travel if i move out? When is the right time to do all these things? What will they think of me when I do these things? Why am I alone? Whats wrong with me? Is it by choice? I relived your accident even though i wasn't there, I relived when we broke up, I relived when i told him about her problem, I relived moments and played them out differently. I thought about when and what you think about me. I've been happy, I've been mad, I've been sad.... lying awake for the last two hours.

..

We have this weird idea that suggests that when turning another year older we can just start new. Or when the new year rings we will be everything we are not and we will rid ourselves of our own personal demons. Well, it just doesn't work like that because nothing changes overnight. Change happens when you dont realize its happening. We never wake up one day and completely change, we can perhaps change a few of our actions but there is no way that its without struggle. A smoker doesn't wake up and decide to quit and never think of smoking again. Its the same with everything else, there is always the ideas and thoughts that will not leave until one day you turn around and realized they somehow snuck out without anyone noticing.

lyrics

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me
Oh, we're scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

The things we love always come to be the same things that will kill us, literally and figuratively. Lately I feel as though i've come a bit closer to earth than I may have been acting during those frivolous summer nights - a dreamier time. A time where things that were so far fetched were actually, maybe, quite possible. However i found that having such dreams was actually hurting me. Everyone one says that we have to have dreams but, how do we control them? When is too much dreaming going to hurt us?
There are some people who dream so much, in the things they say, the things they think and the things they try that they are constantly feeling like they are lost and unsuccessful. Maybe being a big dreamer in the NOW generation isn't working. I mean we want everything to happen right away and when it doesn't we drive ourselves mad. So question is how much dreaming is appropriate for each individual?
I've come to believe that although i do miss indulging in an, i don't want to say unrealistic, but fantastic dream, I do prefer to live a little closer to reality at times, where I don't feel as lost.

Do you know

Its been twenty five minutes
since i've been awake
with each minute that passes
grows a smile that is fake
It'll be the last twenty five minutes
the ones before i sleep
where the pain will remind me
that my heart you still keep.

“Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them.”

Today i was told that i know nothing about good music because the last ten years of music are garbage since the increasing presence of digitized music. I was just too young and "didn't know any better". I thought this to be kind of mean because its not like ive never heard any music made prior to 1990. I do appreciate the craft of real music and do wish todays music was more artistry than technical. Its not my fault i was born with the internet and that i am almost always infront of my computer. I do feel like today's internet age has really disconnected individuals from the real physical and emotional relationships that human kinda relies on for personal evolution. We are taking for granted the skills we learn such as charisma, and interpreting others when conversing in person. Similarly we can say that when it comes to music we've lost the ability to see the beauty that come from artists making mistakes on guitar and working through them, the emotions invested into artists who sit and write each note and feel the beat in their heart the rhythm in their bones.
I do think its also ironic that even though we are of a computer generation all the older generations want to try ipods and internet and chat etc. Maybe in 30 years everyone will talk about something great that came from our generation as well, however i dont know what that would be. Lately im in a search for something, never feelings like myself or knowing who i really am, sometimes i often feel much older than i actually am. So maybe.... my withdrawal from social media, listening to older music, getting involved in creative arts is my way of trying to connect with the things that my generation is missing.

Thats the thing about people who mean everything they say, they think everyone else does too.

I hate liars. Some people dont even realize they are liars until someone tells them. I never lie, i mean i cant be sure im always completely honest but i never say things that i dont mean. I feel bad for the people who walk around constantly lying and disappointing the people around them. All that it means is that this person isnt a real person. We only know ourselves to be alive, and who we are personality wise in the reactions we get from other people. (looking glass self) So these people are not real people since everything they say is just a fabrication. To the rest of the population these people become lost, they lose their integrity and any respect we should have for them. Why would you say things you dont mean? We all know that lying just makes a bigger mess in the end that you will have to either face or clean up.
Today i was reminded that alot of people are liars, say things to settle your concerns one day, but dont think about the consequences for the next. It reminded me of something i had forgotten i already told myself a long time ago. That my friends and the people i want in my life are just people who can keep their word. That when someone says ill be there, i love you, i need you, that they actually mean it. They really really mean it its truth and nothing can change that.

“Rules are not necessarily sacred, principles are.” F.D.R

There are moments where we feel emotional imbalance. Its never clear and we cannot explain it, but the regular contentment is not there. So we sit and we ponder the question; "what do i need to feel better?".If this situation is about someone you like, the feeling might come across as missing that person or thinking you need that person. But the feeling isn't that atall, its the fact that you've been done wrong and been mistreated according to social laws about the respect we supposed to have for one another. And what you really need is for that person to fix what theyve done wrong not just temporarily bandage it up.
I realized that sometimes we tell people 'we are okay', 'its okay', and 'im okay with it', when really it isn't okay. We cannot say that we are sad because we miss that person, "but its okay that you've done something wrong to get me there". We need to be saying that; there are rules that your not supposed to break, unwritten rules, rules where you don't wrong the people who put so much faith in you.
So are we sad about the fact that we miss someone or are we upset because the rules are being abused, or is it both?

Not all those who wander are lost.

They say some like to live in a constant state of drama or even a constant state of crisis. Maybe some of us also like to live in a constant state of uncertainty. To be honest, sometimes not knowing what you are doing with your life might be better than knowing exactly what is going to happen. What is so bad about not knowing what may come tomorrow of your actions today? Sometimes people like to move themselves into places where things are uncertain, where things can go either way just because it makes life more interesting. Being secure, settled and decided starts to define who we are by our bounded actions. Maybe some of us prefer never to settle even though inside it may be what we think we are supposed to need. Being free is potential for anything, potential for change, growth, transformation. You can decide each an every day what will happen, instead of having something tell you exactly how it will go.

TV revolution

Sometimes i start work at 630 am. Why? im not sure, but it does is give me time to check multiple blogs im following as well as get an early start on the Food Network. I now watch 8 hours of food network a day...on mute. I expect to be an expert chef by the end of the year. So far the only things ive really picked up are sweet potato french fries and how to assemble a Tuducken, which is a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey. (eew)
Anyway TV is not very good anymore, I dont know why people get so upset when their TV wont be installed today, or it breaks and can only be fixed tomorrow. Some say their kids are addicted to TV and they NEED it back. Well, atleast you are admitting you would put them outside if they would go. What do kids even watch anymore? None of the good tv shows are on anymore, i miss Flinstones and Ernie and Bert sharing a room at age 30+. I miss learning how to draw on Mr. Dressup. That portion of the show was like watching the adult learn how to paint show. (Guy with the afro, remember?). Kids would never buy into a silent ten minutes of drawing on TV.
I currently have every channel possible and I still find nothing to watch. The only fun stuff to watch is Animal Planet and National GEO, as long as its not history. This is what my kids are going to watch. They are going to be biologists by age 5, forget watching "illegal immigrant" Dora the lost explorer, like they say... GET A GPS Dora.

Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came. -JM

Are we really never alone? If that is true then how did the word lonely even come to exist? The loneliest place I know, is the place where the most people gather in a single space. Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? The crowded room being the internet? I find the internet to be a sad lonely space, a desolate land of endless nothing. Maybe the internet has become and increasingly lonely place for me because ive cut off most of my ties to the networking sites like Facebook and MSN, FB chat. Its kind of interesting to see who is really in your life when you don't have a screen to bring you together. I'm wondering if this transition has really changed the way i feel about the relationships in my life. But i cant go back, I cant continue to pretend that all these relationships i have with people are real just because they are on a list. Maybe it is this sad realization that the most of these "friendships" aren't real without the screen in between. I wonder what would happen to the "now" generation if they took it all away, if we had to actually speak in person, call each other, and make an effort to remember someones birthday.

Eight hours labour, Eight hours recreation, Eight hours rest.

"Eight hours labor, Eight hours recreation, Eight hours rest." A quote and rule made by Robert Owen in 1810. On my way home from work today i was wondering who had decided that we should all work 8 hours? Who decides this rule, and what is it based on? Was it based on how much money we would make, on how much time we needed to do other things out side of work or on something else? I looked it up and it seems that most of the decisions/ theories on why to have an 8 hour work day were made in the 1800. As time has passed and things have changed; ways of life, values, culture the way we operate should the time allotted to working be readjusted? If we are able to accomplish things faster at work, email, internet, computers etc, shouldn't the work day be shorter? Since the value of family, recreation, exercise has decreased so much should the work day be shorter so we have more time for these things? Its an anomaly though, that the work day has since increased, people are working more hours than ever to make money. We went from working 10-16 hour days in the 1800s to getting a legal 8 and now some people are working 14. Clearly people just aren't paid enough. Its all about money , companies will keep you 24/7 if they can make more profit. I think that we should get paid more and have to work less, or get paid for 8 hours and only have to work 5. 5 hour shift for example would mean that, for example; a factory would need more workers to cover the work load, thus decreasing the unemployment rate and increasing worker satisfaction and maintaining the amount people get paid.

“We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.” -Nietzche

A voice, a simple voice, it can we sweet as sugar or as harsh as a cold winters day but there is always that one voice that talks right to your heart. At work I speak on the phone a lot and there are many people i speak to everyday who i've never met in person. Despite this, based on their voice alone I like them more then others. Everyone has a person that when they hear their voice, they are just automatically reassured, happy and relaxed. People may not even realize that this person has an effect on them, you wonder why you like speaking to them so much. It has nothing to do with they say but all to do with the tone, the charisma, the warmth, the calm of their voice that draws you in. Different voices may be needed depending on how you feel and certain times a particular voice is not resounding with you inside. Some people like music for lyrics some for sound, an impressive voice is always amazing, even when someone sings of a broken heart you still love the song. So just remember that even though you may hate your own voice on your voicemail, your voice might just be what someone needs to hear.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” JD

Today i went back to the gym after a two week hiatus from having my wisdom teeth removed. When i got there i didnt see anyone familiar. It seemed as though everyone was new, or, was i the new one? There is something about being new that is unsettling, even when you actually aren't new but just appear that way. A place where you were once comfortable becomes slightly uneasy. This keeps happening to me! I left work for my internship and when i returned all the 'literally new' staff thought i was new. This year im returning to my program at school ...but none of the new students know me so i must appear to be new as well. Its good to be new though, it means you can start over in old situations.

'many affected by quarter-life crisis experience a "graying" of emotion.'

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

* realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
* confronting their own mortality
* watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
* insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
* insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
* insecurity regarding present accomplishments
* re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
* lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
* disappointment with one's job
* nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
* tendency to hold stronger opinions
* boredom with social interactions
* loss of closeness to high school and college friends
* financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
* loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies
* desire to have children
* a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than oneself
* frustration with social skills

These unsettling emotions and insecurities are not uncommon at this age, nor at any age in adult life. In the context of the quarter-life crisis, however, they occur shortly after a young person – usually an educated professional, in this context – enters the "real world". After entering adult life and coming to terms with its responsibilities, some individuals find themselves experiencing career stagnation or extreme insecurity. The individual often realizes the real world is tougher, more competitive and less forgiving than she imagined.

A related problem is simply that many college graduates do not achieve a desirable standard of living after graduation. They often end up living in low-income apartments with roommates instead of having an income high enough to support themselves. Substandard living conditions, combined with menial or repetitive work at their jobs create a great amount of frustration, anxiety and anger. Nobody wants to admit to feeling like a 'loser'; this secrecy may intensify the problem.

Tumble into the world of everyone is the same.

How to know What is in fashion? Look through Tumblr.
Things i perpetually see on tumblr;
cupcakes
nail polish
people holding expensive cameras
flowers and sunsets (never outta style)
Lady GAGA, everyWHERE.
Jersey Shore Quotes
Nice shoes
Shirts with bows on the back
Bows in general.
Quotes about lost love ie: Girls with broken hearts are popular too.

Saving you Saving me

Im starting to realize that many people out there who go for those who are broken or unavailable do so because they themselves are broken and unavailable. Sometimes its easier to save someone else than it is to save yourself because you dont have to confront your own issues. But eventually your own problems will always get mixed in and then you are just two people who are not just one degree of separation apart, but two, if that makes any sense. We all have issues though, some worse than others. For the most part i havent run into anyone or any situations where the issues are extremely bad and cant just be fixed. Again though, its as if we are all trying to save other people thinking this will make us happy. But its just like in lifeguarding is you try to save a drowning person and you appraoch the sitaution unprepared you will both drown.

Random Ramble of the (In)Sane at Bay

( i highly suggest you read this in an english accent)
Life on drugs is fun... and hard and easy, they make you kinda barmy. For one they make you kinda light headed and everything is nice and bloody merry. But they also make you right lost, in places youve been. Well mine do cause theyre not 'for fun drugs' they are for pain relief! ...right now it hasnt set in yet cause my mouth still hurts a bloody fucking lot. Anyway Ive gotten way sick of Facebook and i decided to deactivate it, its just not my cup of tea. Im much more obsessed with my email, tumblr and amazingly, i never thought possible twitter. At first they were more fun too but then i realized that it is yet again a competition for status; how many people follow you, how many people view your blog, how many people check and ask on your tumblr and most annoyingly... are celebrities going to respond to you. its exhausting let me tell you. I think i might just go back to posting as i like and see what happens on its own, although i really really would like to have John Mayer acknowledge me! Half the time im sending him my friends blogs and myspaces because they are far more interesting than my own. I dunno why i do this, alright now well sedatives are kicking in and im about out and done rambling so i best belt it up now.

“Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg.”

We can always questions people intentions but we never really know what they are. Sometimes people ask and pry, wanting to know things about you, - get to know you, or so they say, but are they asking because they truly care, or do they just want to play a game of measuring up?
Sometimes people ask too many questions, questions that we don't even have the answers to ourselves. This plays on our insecurities and in defense we back away, or shut that person out because they make us doubt ourselves.
But until we can really see any concrete evidence that these people are not on our side we should not push them away. Some people just don't know when to stop or how to mind their own business. Some people are also insecure themselves so are only asking because they want to see if they measure up. Point is we all have insecurities but you cant let them get to you and let people make you feel bad about something. We all have our plans in our back pockets so just tell them, 'you wait and see'.

How do we know?

There is a fundamental reason why we look at the sky with wonder and longing—for the same reason that we stand, hour after hour, gazing at the distant swell of the open ocean. There is something like an ancient wisdom, encoded and tucked away in our DNA, that knows its point of origin as surely as a salmonid knows its creek. Intellectually, we may not want to return there, but the genes know, and long for their origins—their home in the salty depths. But if the seas are our immediate source, the penultimate source is certainly the heavens… . The spectacular truth is—and this is something that your DNA has known all along—the very atoms of your body—the iron, calcium, phosphorus, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and on and on—were initially forged in long-dead stars. This is why, when you stand outside under a moonless, country sky, you feel some ineffable tugging at your innards. We are star stuff. Keep looking up.

Jerry Waxman

Who are you?

If you didnt notice I have a Stats Counter that tells me EVERYTHING but i understand nothing from it lol! its complicated but i can see things like where people view my page from, what keywords bring up my blog, what pages people enter into the blog on. Ip addresses, returning visitors etc. But i dont know who they are! These are places people visit from, the percentage and in the first column how many visits.
437 87.40% Canada Canada
45 9.00% United States
7 1.40% Satellite Provider
3 0.60% Singapore
2 0.40% United Kingdom
2 0.40% India India
1 0.20% Russian Federation
1 0.20% Norway Norway
1 0.20% United Arab Emirates
1 0.20% Mexico

Great debates:

Besides that which happens in the am between how much milk and cereal is left in your bowl, and how your going to proportionally work it out, there is the debate about second chances.

Some say that second chances don't matter because people never change, some say that we all deserve a second chance. When it comes to how you feel about someone how do we proportionally work it out? Do we give them a second chance to grow on you or do we decide that even though we've learned so little about someone; is it enough to just know?
Another question, how much does liking someone have to do with the things they've said to you, done to you etc. Id say not much because sometimes people like people that they've never been introduced to. So when it comes to Love is it not supposed to be based on instant gut feeling? Is a second chance really going to change anything that you dont already know?

An Ellipsis is all I can say.

Pour toi (...)

http://healingyou.tumblr.com/post/1017432505/pour-toi-gnossiennes-no-1-satie-erik

Scorpio

The Scorpio female is an independent soul. She possesses a forbidding, keep-your-distance manner that often hides a secretive and sensitive heart. This is a woman who will risk all for love and not count the cost, but can become bitterly disappointed if her judgment is proved wrong. Undeniably romantic by nature, she demands the near-impossible of those she loves. However, this female is quick to assess personalities and situations, able to put her finger on the crux of a question or circumstance immediately, seeing through all the dross, ignoring the veneer and getting to the truth. In addition, this woman is often at least a little psychic. She will make a number of good friends, usually keeping them all her life, and her sympathy and understanding are extended to all who come in contact with her. Still, the woman ruled by Scorpio does make for a formidable enemy. She rarely creates animosity willingly, but is sometimes driven into situations that make her the center of some manifestation of jealousy. The contradiction of the Scorpio female character is rather puzzling to some people and endlessly fascinating to others. Outwardly, this always seems to be a relatively selfish woman who gives the appearance of self-centeredness in her concentration on personal affairs and the affairs of loved ones. Still, she can be capable of incredible self-sacrifice. In essence, no two acquaintances will ever view this female in the same manner for she will present a different facet of her personality to each one. As a sweetheart, the Scorpio female is exciting. As a life partner, she is appealing in her determination to be the best possible companion. As a mother, she will be both understanding and disciplinary.
Basically an old-fashioned individual, the woman ruled by Scorpio is loyal and courageous. She enjoys responsibility and is very capable. With a great love of luxury. The difference in the atmosphere will very much depend on this female's intensity of feelings. She is a blunt and fearless character, doing everything passionately from the depths of her heart. Her devotion to loved ones is whole-hearted and can almost verge upon idolization at times. Rarely shy by nature, the Scorpio woman has a very healthy appetite for the physical aspect of a romantic relationship.

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

I don't usually give up easily, but sometimes your forced to and it sucks. I recently read something that said 'quit competing with others and start competing with yourself'. I find that I do both, im competitive with others and i am also hard on myself, competing with myself for the best.
I usually refuse to give up on anyone or anything unless im told I have to. I keep forgetting though, that giving up doesnt mean that you dont care anymore, it just means that its out of your control.
I have a hard time accepting that things are out of my control but clearly things are, especially other peoples emotions.
I hate the feeling of giving up a thousand times. Where you tell yourself you'll stop trying and then you push a little and fail. I hate that feeling where your starting back at square one again and you need to prove to yourself that your done trying. Or are we trying by not trying?
Sometimes we hope that putting no effort will show that we are able to move on and live withouht, but i believe that we are trying to convince ourselves of this while still hoping well get what we wanted all along. So when do we ever really stop trying, if were still thinking about it?

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? -V VG

I was recently contemplating the meaning of life. I know that sounds excessive and dramatic but i was just pondering the question because there were children screaming around me and often people say; to have offspring is why we are here. I thought that if we looked at how other species live we could come up with a good reason why we are here. All other species, according to Darwin, and what seems to make the most obvious sense are regulated by survival of the fittest, where only fit individuals in life are able to reproduce and continue on. We work everyday and exercise and do things to make us happy, to ensure health, well being and survival in the most fulfilling way. Unfortunately most of the world isnt run on Social Darwinism which is often contradictory and exploits ideas of survival of the fittest. It commonly refers to notions of struggle for existence being used to justify social policies which show no sympathy for those unable to support themselves.
I think that when we were put here maybe it was thought that we'd always run at a reproduction level that could still be regulated by survival of the fittest, but unfortunately/(fortunately) our world caters to those who are sick, weak and anyone who is dependent on a drug or help etc etc. Its hard to accept SD as a way of living because a mother wont leave a child to die but in the animal world she often will in order to survive herself. (sad)
I was debating the over population of the earth with my collegues, i was arguing the theory around Social Darwinism and eugenics (selective breeding of humans) while they brought in the ethics and culture and all the other things that have changed the reason why society isnt solely run by survival of the fittest. They claimed society doesnt work that way and i disagreed by pointing out that men prefer women who show features of fertility and women those of men that project high levels of testostrone. Both in an attempt to mate with strong individuals, the men want a woman who can have many children and the woman wants children who will survive. Obvisouly social constructions and trends have ruined this by suggesting otherwise.
So the meaning to life may be to have children, but they are supposed to be good children who are the cream of the crop. However today our society will allow a person who has no home and no food to breed and somehow this child will still survive through donations and the support from society. I would never suggest we not help those in need but society, culture, ethics, medicine and the extreme advancements in comparative to chimps, that maybe our creator didnt think we'd accomplish, have made it difficult to answer the question as to why we are here.

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

I wanted to dedicate this entry to Bravery because it is seldom mentioned.

brav·er·y (brv-r, brvr)
n. pl. brav·er·ies
1. The condition or quality of being brave.
2. Splendor or magnificence; show.
3. Facing pain and fear with courage

I think that we lack bravery not because of the inability to be in such a state, but by the lack of situations, in the modern world, that require its presence. I feel we turn more to courage and confidance, which is likely, by definition, a synonym of bravery but lacks the honor and magnificence that bravery exudes when mastered.

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends”

This week I went to Florida, West Palm Beach, on a last minute trip with my sister and her BF. While there we went to Miami for the day to enjoy the beach and the buzz on 'SOBE'. Seeing as how this is where all the celebs go and the Jersey Shore crew, youd assume that things there would be very pretentious in a trendy way. When we were on the beach there were alot of ladies with no tops on. We talked about how we could never do that, ha for god sakes we were afraid of how we looked carrying a cooler and chairs to the beach because we werent sure if people in Miami did this. To be honest though everyone there is a tourist anyway, and its actually kind of ghetto. Alot of Florida is kind of ghetto actually.
It wasnt exactly what i expected, but nonetheless it was very nice and enjoyable. We went into a starbucks and I practiced my order at least 5 times in my head before telling the lady. Seeing as how this was Miami I figured the accuracy of ordering coffee correctly was a big thing here, and it's best to be prepared. Well i was wrong, it was probalby the worst Starbucks order ever, the woman had me repeat it twice and then she told the guy who makes the drinks i wanted 'lots and lots of whip' when i definitely said no whip. She then proceeded to ask me to confirm if i was on vacation or not, implying i should be indulging. No thanks.
I know they say that Canada is right behind the US in weight issues... well i dont know about that.... everyone was overweight by alot in FL! It was pretty bad even the skinny people were at least a little overweight. I wasnt surprised though, all the food portions were huge and very greasy. It really made me appreciate home. I love Montreal.

Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak warfare

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

Control, as a matter of fact, can be taken away from you in an instant. You wouldn't know you lost it until someone else had it. Each string of your conscience slipped in their palm. You don't know how it got there, did you just hand it over? Then before you know it you've lost control over your own peace of mind. With each strum of the strings, with each lyric more, the song gets harder and harder to listen to. But you keep moving to the rhythm of someone else song and you wonder how you even got on this dance floor anyway.

I cant settle on a quote. Too busy dreaming

Settling Down... the operative word being settling. I`m beginning to realize more and more that the things we all want in life are things that we settle on. Settling has two meanings; settling for something that you want and settling for something even though it might not be what you want. Either way there is settling involved in both.
I was always thought that we were supposed to dream and dream and dream for bigger and better things and never settle. But how do you ever end up with anything unless we settle at some point? I think that this is basically justified by the phrase of settling down, if you want anything you need to decided, choose and settle.
I think many people in life end up alone, or unhappy because they are taught to always dream for bigger and better things. Waiting for something to happen that im starting to think might never happen... for them.

“I shut my eyes in order to see.” -Gaugin

Does the world become a smaller place as we age or does the imagination over estimate?
Have you ever walked into a place you had not been to in a few years and thought; its smaller than I remember. I recently went to a place that as a child I thought was very big and intimidating. Proportionally the height ive grown to cannot be the reason for which it now looks smaller. When we are young are our dreams bigger than reality? Does that mean that our imaginations and by association our dreams are bigger than what is really existing in reality?
Dreams are supposed to be bigger than reality of course or they wouldnt be dreams, but - are they still achievable if you have an over compensating imagination?

"aim for the moon, if you miss, you may fall amongst the stars"

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” Dr. Seuss

People continuously refer to others as being 'down to earth'. I never remember learning what 'down to earth' actually means but I guess it means you are grounded, and in reality vs. in a fantasy world i.e; 'up in the clouds'. But maybe it would be kind of nice to live in a world 'up in the clouds', where you dont see the harsh reality of the everyday routine, and you make up your life around you to be whatever you like. Sometimes life is like that, you can imagine anything you want and make your life as interesting as youd like, you can be anything you want act any way you want.
It does sound crazy but you could just imagine you were...hmm lets say a Spy and make your life that much more entertaining. Also because you are a spy you wouldnt tell anyone anyway so people would think your grounded when really your not so what they call "normal". So im not sure what is better a life being 'down to earth' or a life being 'up in the clouds'... or even over the rainbow?

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?” -sw

There are several dating rules that are lay out in order to not "scare" a guy.
Dont talk about babies
Dont talk about Marriage
... maybe don't even joke about these things. As ive said before all things said jokes or not have some truth.(all things said when drinking are full truth (btw))
Lately though ive found myself talking to guys and these topics somehow come up. If i want kids, when and how many comes up. Marriage... joking about wanting to marry me or if im open to marriage atall. I find answering these questions are absolutely futile as you cant exactly plan these things, unless you actually plan them.
Ive come up with a few things on why these topics come up when they are apparently not supposed to:
1) Im "old" enough now that these topics arent taboo and are of importance.
2) Guys have become the ones who think about it too, spec. the older ones.
3) I subconsciously bring it to the surface of the convo indirectly.
All of these are bad.

However id like to think that topics of conversation as you get older are obviously going to change. I either need to actually consider these things, date younger people, or really ask myself if these things are in the back of my mind.
Personally Id rather just answer the questions by saying I cant really give you an answer and wonder in my head what is wrong with this person lol.

"Nice girls dont get the corner office"

As we get older we grow out of many things like calling people names and other non-sense that occurs on the everyday elementary playground. But what kind of non-sense goes on -on the adult playground? I certainly don’t need to name a few of the obvious things that people do to each other ie:guys/girls and relationship games that are absolutely ridiculous.
But do we grow out of being mean? Sometimes I feel like im on the grade 5 playground full of competition, confrontation and blindsided hits. Being mean is to do something to purposely hurt someone or annoy someone. I thought we'd grown out of this -but its a jungle gym out there and the mean kids can still come out to play. The modern jungle gym is different though, survival of the fittest has allowed us to become professional grade 5 bullies. Tactics are no longer treated by saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" because there is no rhyme for the world of jealousy, manipulation, competition, and narcissism that we play within. Unfortunently were all capable of this and its almost necessary every once in a while when the stakes are high

“When you leave New York, you ain't goin' nowhere”

I meet alot of people who say they love Montreal, and i meet a few people who say they dont like it very much. It bothers me when people dont like the city! I want people to like it here so that i dont feel as though im missing out on something else out there. My sister said she talked to someone who stayed here in MTL for a bit and didnt like it they also never used the metro system. I dont think that you can enjoy something if you are not using it properly. Trying to ride a bike backwards might work but its hard! If your not going to embrace the functionality of a city then you will not enjoy it. Cities are like big machines where we manage to work and operate fluidly without bumping into one another, making life possible. So, i think that if you come here and expect to do things a different way than they are done here, you will have a bad time. You cant act like you are in calgary when you are in montreal, you cant act like you are in new york in cowansville. If you want to enjoy a city you have to be the city your in.

“The test of an enjoyment is the remembrance which it leaves behind”

I recently read another blog about accomplishments we have and are proud of and how there is no trophy for these accomplishments. Ive come to realize that many of the things we strive to have in life, once achieved are not that exciting to anyone else but yourself. I also find that so many people are out there trying to impress and promoting their accomplishments on the proverbial bucket list by which we all compare one another. When i bought my car, i originally wanted a white one but settle for a silver one, i cared for about an hour that it wasnt white. My parents wanted me to be super excited about this car, i was happy but that's about as far as it went (im not one to jump up and down). All it means is now i can go places and not have to take the bus, good for me. Having a fun life is not defined by the books in your bookshelf, the groceries in your cart or the fact that you like to go to yoga.
Life is not a novelty item.

copy paste and read this:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

“All doors open to courtesy”

Feminism from how i perceive it, for one among many things is to break the barriers of things labeled as male or female.
Today on the bus, while sitting i watched a woman or two stand right over men who didn't offer their seat. Now, one could say they are not offering their seat because wouldn't that go against the false idea that women need seats more than men? Would a woman be offended that a man offered her a seat purely based on the fact that she was female. No, i don't think so. Although some people can classify more actions under feminism than it really is supposed to stand for I think we should still consider the importance, or at least the value in chivalry. Chivalry; knightly virtues, honor, courtly love... modernized.

Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image”

Social media is probably the worst thing ever invented. All I know is that im glad im not 14 and in this time of Facebook fame and twitter etc. Even myself, I find it daunting, the photos, the self portrayal. Social media offers a certain amount of notoriety to the self, offering an opening for people to witness your paramount of 2 am, and your most confrontational photos. I can only imagine how young girls feel pressured to make themselves up on such a social media platform. Compulsively binding to trends and offering as much provocativeness as a young person can to keep up with what we all know to have followed, the stuff in the magazines, the things we see on tv. The damage that can be done is unsurpassed from the whispers behind ones back which could be left to the school hallways and muted out of homes. There is a certain amount of manipulation that can happen with only a few hits of keys and electronic actions disseminated on a personal page. I don’t know what we did before, or what maybe I would be doing instead as ive never lived without it.

“The distance is nothing; it is only the first step that is difficult.” -MM

Its always a good idea to be two steps ahead. That can apply in alot of contexts however, whichever one you choose to associate it to, always try to know your next moves, and you'll be ahead of the game.
Often though, it is not a good idea to plan too far in advance. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about moving to a new town for work, something which we have both have considered doing. For him it is approximately a 12 hour flight, where as for me it may only be a 1hr flight. His concern was being away from "home" and all the things that home means. But it came to my realization that whether you are 12 hours away or 1 hour away, you are still away and does it make a difference? If im 3 hours away I cant always jump on a plane everyweekend to fly home and see my family just the same that he cant often with a 12 hour flight. We would probalby equally use the internet and phones to stay in contact with friends and family. So we came to ask ourselves is how far is far when your already gone?
Another thing I thought about was when you plan to move away, how long should you stay? For example you plan a trip to mexico for three days, you are going to have to have as much fun as possible. Example 2: you plan a trip to mexico for 1 year, less fun, and, you will probalby want to go home sooner than later just because you know you are stuck there for a while. So sometimes moving away, for an undetermined amount of time might be more healthy on the mind than knowing your there for the next five years. And so, being two steps ahead rather than twenty might be a good idea.

The overly observant leading the blind

I continue to find myself taking care of society. Its frustrating and I dont want to do it, but I have to, I just cant let things go.
The other day on the bus there is a woman who is dripping liquid... im wondering 'what is this... this could be bad'. Turns out, I realise its coming from her bag. I interject; 'miss ur bag is leaking', 'oh' she claims 'I thought it was coming from the roof' ....no, no its not. Then this lady's book mark made of a receipt falls on the floor, I dont want to interfere, however minutes later after shes checked the book TEN TIMES!!! (killing me inside) I say... 'its on the flood there'. I stop to help this woman who is holding up the line trying to pass her paper transfer over the chip in the bus station. I tell this woman her phone is ringing cause she cant hear it for the tenth time, I explain to the guy swearing over the full bixi station there is one just a block away (like calm down its 8am). I guess I like fluidity, I want people to progress not digress. I wouldnt call these good deeds I would call this helping the blind.


(add in: the other day I got on the bus at the terminal and nobody wanted to wake the sleeping guy... so I had to or he would have jsut been transported back to the ouest!)

When is enough enough? that is the question.

Letting go is not hard, its actually the easiest part. Holding on is the hard part. Only when you actually give up and let go does it become easy.

When is enough enough?
There's always the pivotal ending, when you don't feel the need to send another text, where you actually stop calling that person.

Lately i've found that this pivotal ending always comes when i'm telling myself, and, i actually believe that this; is not enough.

and the timing is pivotal.

Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.

There are alot of milestones growing up that people never make it to. Although being 25ish makes you wonder about what your doing with your life you could think of all the things that havent gone wrong according to the "scripted plan"
I jsut watched 16 and pregnant and im very thankful that i was never 16 and...pregnant
Im done school for the most part and im glad im not a highschool dropout.
Im not a smoker, which normally is developed really young, im glad i said no to that.
Ive leaned to earn my own way and im glad for the most part things were never handed to me. Ive never gone to jail, lol, and im glad that im pretty sure I never will. Those are all the ones i can think of for now, but it really comes down to eliminating the things you know you will never be. Ill never be 16 again, unfortunately and thank god.

“Order is never observed; it is disorder that attracts attention because it is awkward and intrusive.” EL

There are some relationships with people that are always awkward. I ran into a few of this them weekend. 1) when you dont register the guy, whose calls you always ignore in your new phone, he calls and you answer and ask who is this?
2)An ex says your name while out, and you cant tell your friends who it is, till 20 min later (he had a hat on!)
3)Running into the guy that you've run into several times before however each time its weird. (so this time i chose to just ignore to avoid the newest awkward encounter, but i wonder if he saw me too and did the same thing)
I think the best thing to do is acknowledge the awkwardness in any situation, except maybe the phone one....with that one you both pretend to make plans for a coffee "soon", hang up and save that number under "awkward dont answer"

“Beggars fear no rebellion”

Theres a flow to society, some people like to fall outside this flow and break social norms but to be honest i really like to just blend in.
This is why i find that people dont give money to people playing instruments in the metro and on the street. In Square Victoria metro ive seen more than a few really talented singers and musicians playing for money. I just find that when your walking with 100 people down a corridor nobody can really stop to search their bag or pocket for change. Im either going into work or trying not to miss the metro, you cant stop.
I also feel like everyone would stare, and think a variety of things from shes nice to shes crazy, I guess she likes the music or shes got tons of money, or how could she like that?
Today I gave a guy 50 cents for playing a giant chello, he wasnt one of the best and he definitely didnt say thank you in words. I may have seen it in a nod or the eyes but I was too concentrated on my leap outside the marching line to work to register the moment.
I like the most of them though, except a woman yesterday, I had to bite my lip to not laugh because she was singing terribly about leaving work at 5 oclock. I did enjoy the hand drummer at 830am he was pretty upbeat but really made me feel like I was in a herd of wild animals.
I can only imagine what its like to be them putting themselves out there. Today I saw a guy just sittin there holding out his hat and I thought, atleast sing, do something! but then I thought, would I give thim money then? and I still wouldnt have. A) because most people suck, B) I just dont like doing it purely for the action.

T-30 seconds

Bitter Sweet Ending

Bad Romance

I know that we are young
And I know that you may love me
But I just can't be with you like this anymore
Alejandro

Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Alejandro
I'm not your babe
I'm not your babe
Fernando
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Just smoke my cigarette, hush
Don't call my name
Don't call my name
Roberto

Moxie

I truly believe if you really want something there is a way to get it.
There is no untouchable parallel universe, there is only here this life and now.
Lately ive been seeing alot of dreams come true for alot of my close friends, things they dreamed about for a long time.
But --you cant just want something, you really have to work for it, sometimes that work is hard and it involves sacrifice, learning, practice. Nothing ever worth having...is just handed to you.
success = effort x want
I don't believe in heroes I believe in learning from your villains and making your own dreams.

“Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.”

My 5 year plan?
Are those revised every 6months?
because i'm currently finishing of the last year of my previous 5 year plan.

To do/ not to do

What moments in your 20's define you 20's?
Will we only know when we are 40? Older people always says that phrase that they wish they were 25 again, and it worries me because i wonder what is it! What am i not realizing or, am i doing those things that those 40 year olds regret not having done or wish they were doing again. I guess the only way to avoid that is to do anything you want and not to limit yourself in anyway. Are the 40's defined by wishing you were 20? lol i sure hope not, and i doubt that it is. : )
So in light of this i googled... things about being in your 20's, i found both the things you have to do and those youll regret when your 40.

To do:
Surround yourself with wise mentors
Become a lifelong learner
Travel
Learn to listen and handle criticism well
Develop an active, healthy lifestyle
Read a classic
Go on an overseas missions trip (ugh)
Create a monthly budget
Start a Roth IRA (RRSP)
Buy a used car
Understand basic investment principles
Go to a concert
Learn a foreign language
Start a blog
Get your college degree
Pay off credit cards
Stay in a hotel that costs over $200 a night
Read the Bible cover to cover (not going to happen)
Explore your family of origin issues (positive and negative) and pursue growth
Figure out the type of person you want to marry
( http://www.schaefersblog.com/20-things-to-do-in-your-20s/ )
Not to do
10. Body Piercing Plugs
9. Risque Internet Pics
8. Tattoos
7. Choosing Your Best Friend’s Girlfriend Over Your Best Friend
6. Getting Married Too Young
5. Not Traveling (Enough)
4. Not Finishing School
3. Smoking
2. Bad Credit
1. Not Spending More Time With Your Parents
( http://coedmagazine.com/2009/11/27/10-things-from-your-twenties-youll-regret-when-youre-forty/ )

Good to see some things overlap such as travel, credit, ... lol

“Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!” Letterman

Ive always dreamed of what it would be like to be an intern, and i have to admit its pretty cool. I work at a company where there are no time cards and lunch is an hour ish and you can leave whenever you want. Its okay if you 5 min or even 10 min late you dont need to call in. Its nice, unfortunately i have to take the bus which is probalby the worst thing ever. I expressed this to the people i work with only to later realize that you cant say you hate the bus to people who work in the environment. You also cant have a plastic water bottle on your desk. Its fun to see what the professional world is like, to be in the crowd of suits. I'm not going to lie it makes you feel special.

The world of today is that of heartbreak. The thing that defines you as an individual is how you put the pieces back together tomorrow. -AD

Quarter life crisis
I think i've finally realized what a quarter life crisis really is. I speak for myself but i know many people my age who are struggling with some of the same feelings.
Quarter life crisis is like the middle child syndrome, which i dont think i suffer any longer but it definitely shaped alot of my childhood and teen 'actions'.
'Too big to be little to little to be big'. I think this is the same premise as quarter life crisis, were all struggling for independence, but at times its just not possible and we needs to rely on someone else.
I thought this up cause i found a puppy in the park and i took him because he cant stay alone in a forest all night and also he'd probably get hit by a car. I called like 15 different numbers and noone could help me but bounce me back and forth from voicemail to voicemail. I felt so mad that noone would help me.
I spend most my days pinning over how i cant be independent because im still a student and all that shit but here i was begging for someones help. I know its normal to have to ask for help but there is a fine line between wishing u could take care of it all on your own and needing someone else.

“For each petal on the shamrock this brings a wish your way. Good health, good luck, and happiness for today and every day.” - irish blessing

I went to vegas and i won 300$ with 20$ i found in the airport. My friends said i was really lucky. When they asked me where i got my sun glasses... i told them i had found them and they were laughing saying i was the luckiest person they've met. But is luck based on chance winnings of money or prizes or on how much stuff you find like money or designer sunglasses. Maybe its a combination of finding things and that leading you to winning i don't know. To be honest i find alot of money ive found like at least 200$ in the last 5 years. But i also lose so much stuff! so maybe its a trade off. Perhaps luck changes, up until beginning of 2010 i had never won anything but it seems that my luck has turned.

Life isnt life if it just happens, sometimes you need to plan.

I'm on a path, I have a goal, I'm going somewhere (not sure where yet though). In my head all these years, life in general had been quite mapped out, school, school and more school. Things happen at the right times. But thanks to facebook I'm seeing that life doesn't happen in a sequence defined by strict rules. I see some of my friends from elementary holding one year old babies, married and living in pretty suburban homes. It shocks me because I think 'how does she already have a baby? a small person, healhty growing in her arms, smiles all around'. I just feel like its such a distant future for me. But maybe these things happen in the blink of an eye.

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around. ~Author Unknown

Spring is in the air, along with that the travel bug is acting up. Spring is the time when people book their summer trips and nothing reminds you more of travel than the sun.
Lately i keep having nostalgic feelings of trips ive been on and it kills me! I keep having feelings of going away, that feeling of unknown, uncertainty, adventure and curiosity. I really want to plan another trip. Soon im suposed to go away, actually in about a week and a half but we have to find a good price. The travel bug does exist and its a disease in those who have caught it that stirrs up every once in a while and needs to be medicated with a plane ticket to somewhere unknown.

“Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking.” -JM

The last week or so ive been contemplating buying a car. The question is do i buy, lease, take over a lease, buy from the net, buy from an auction etc etc too many options.
Getting a nice new car seems ideal but the second you leave the lot the car depreciates. What is that money that is automatically gone once ur in your new car? I call it risk, paying for risk.
One time someone asked me if i were to be offered an ipod out of the back of a truck how much would i pay for it? I said something like half the price, if to me that ipod is worth 50% and the extended guarantee on it is only like a third of the price isnt it worth it? I was actually surprised that he had me there but people put alot of hope into thinking things will work in their favor.
I took a class once in school called fear and risk. The class made us look at various papers about risk and also how its very fed into our minds in the media. If you dont buy Colgate toothpaste, your teeth wont be white and you wont have that car shes driving in the add nor the husband in the passenger seat. Do you wanna risk that? Can you pay 2,50$ buy the damn paste just to make sure?
There is no clear point in this post about risk but just a note to ponder about how much your life is governed by fear and risk. Ask yourself how much are you paying for risk, how much will you give for risk?

TBA

Im really on the fence about having kids. I know i dont have to decide this now and when the time comes ill probalby have a different perspective but for now i think its probably a bad idea! Im pretty patient with screaming babies i have been there and done that, barking dog i lose it! im not sure if living with a child would make me react the same way i do on the dog since im around him alot more then babies.
Also there are alot of things that ive always told myself when i hear dor saw a parent treating their kid," ill never do that" "ill remember when i have kids not to do that to them" Right now i cant remember any of those things!
Its a scary thought, sometimes i wonder what it'd be like if i was one of those people who never get married and never have kids, or if i was the complete opposite. Right now its hard to say.

A noodle for your heart. -Short story.

"So was it love at first sight?" they asked.
They looked at each other and he gave her a reluctant eye.
"Well", she said "It was his cooking that first won my heart"
They all laughed and drank some more of their wine. He was a cook at a french cuisine restaurant and she was working as a manager of a coffee shop just a short block away from their street entrance apartment on the lower east side.
When he'd met her, she did not cook atall, however, she did make a good cappuccino. He'd always admired the way she carefully handled the cups and saucers as she placed it on the breakfast table next to him. It was almost as if she was his own personal coffee connaisseur.
She looked over at him drinking his wine, swirling it in his cup. She envied him, what was he doing? Just cause he was a cook did he have to act like he knew everything about wine as well. Smelling at it, humbly agreeing with the waiter that it was good enough.
"So do you guys eat excellent food all the time?"
She laughed in her head as she wondered if they knew that she'd been doing some cooking since the restaurant had lost a cook he'd been working double and was too tired to cook when he got home, which she understood because he did cook all day.
He smiled and replied "Certainly not we would have a far too expensive grocery bill, and imagine the left overs if we ate like at work" He thought about their dinner the other night, he'd never taught her how to cook but she had picked up a few of his habits which worked in her favor.
"I do some of the better cooking anyway!" she said half jokingly. She liked to watch him squirm. She has been making dinner lately and he never said a word about it but the expected "thank you, was good" Had he just been putting up with her cooking all this time or did he actually enjoy it. Maybe he just didnt say anything after dinner as he would wash and she would dry the plates. She knew, that he knew, thatd shed be upset if he were to criticize her cooking.
It had happened just like that a few months prior where he commented on how to brown mushrooms. A comment about mushrooms left her alone for two nights. They had fought so wildly he left for his mums for 1 night 2 days. 24 hours into their argument she text him saying that 'she was hungry and didnt know what to eat anymore'. A far cry from an apology, but a bargain plea for him to return.
She smiled at him drinking the last sip of his glass.
He knew what she was thinking, about the fight they'd recently had about cooking. He could tell by the way she bit her lip after she'd made that joke. No one suspected conflict in the kitchen when ultimately it seemed he would be the only one using it. The day after the argument he felt bad after he'd read her text message. So like her to not apologize but ask him back indirectly. He had gone back later that day, sparing a few hours at to help his dad move some wood into the house for the winter. He returned to find a cup of cappuccino with the foam in a perfect heart. She'd taught him to do that by running a knife through the center of the foam. The cappuccino was unfortunately cold, he put a pot of hot water on the stove and thought about what to do with it while it came to a boil, he craziest ideas always came to him in the moment. He chose something easy instead, made dinner and they ate together and talked over their glasses.
Maybe, he thought, they were only together cause he could cook and she would die of bland cuisine if he left for too long, maybe he liked the occasional heart in his cappuccino, he didn't know. If he could keep someone by doing the only thing he knew how to do well then i guess that was good enough.

“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

I never know what to eat, the other day i asked my friend what to eat and she said "weren't you just at the grocery store?" I said; "yea but theres nothing to eat there" Apparently grocery stores should have everything but they are really not that complete.
Today i was walking past the isles reading the signs above each isle that say what is in them. Each sign has about 6 things on it, categories one would assume that the foods fall into. Wrong! They are pretty specific, either people eat rice cakes alot more then i thought, or there is a whole isle wall of different types of rice cakes because that was one of the categories. Next isle: fruit rolls... What are fruit rolls? Fruit roll ups? Isnt there just one box of those one kind?
So clearly the variety in grocery stores is lacking otherwise there wouldnt be entire sections important enough to name like 'mexican foods'. Since when is mexican so popular? I though Thai was the new thing, if you're going to put mexican up there, i wanna see chinese, greek, and thai up there too.
Truth is there is alot of stuff on the outter edges which people eat the most, like bread, fruit, and frozen pizza. Why isnt there signs on the outter edges like a sign that says MEAT :( with a sad face or BREAD! <3 bread would have a heart next to it.
Anyhow point is i never know what to eat, and its probably got alot to do with the fact that i dont know how to cook. I only eat stuff that is edible as soon as you buy it, like yogurt, cereal... thats all i can think of. oh yea...and fruit and baby carrots since they are already peeled and so easy to eat!

"have i gone mad?" "i'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are"

Id rather be different then all the same
lifes more interesting that way.

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world" -AF

Sometimes when im thinking about how alot of people my age are a bit lost; not quite sure where they are going in life, i think about how fast things change. Just as an example two years ago i had no idea what i was going, but now i think ive figured it out, at least for the most part some short term goals. Things change fast, before you know it you're already done something you felt as though you almost just began.

Despite this i feel that there are more things that remain the same for longer than they take to change. You think about certain situations and say: 'had this or that happened 8 months ago where would we be today?' Its frustrating that so much time is wasted without change.

The things that do change quickly usually only take one action and then the rest comes tumbling out after. The things that don't change are those that you cant action even if you tried. They involve someone else, and its up to them to change. Unfortunately they spend more time thinking about it than it would take to start and be over and done with.

It is only your life that is in your hands, only you can make it happen. So, that being said if for you this means taking the initiative to do something you've been meaning to do: go for it. If you're on the other side, just know that you cant change someone or make someone do something unless they want to, let these things go and try to be patient while they waste their time and focus on making your life as best as you can make it for yourself.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. -BO

“Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.” -HC

Im often the first one to ditch a party, i dont know why, but i feel like parties have a time limit sometimes. Not to the restriction on fun but the capacity of its potential to become outrageous. At like 130am if things are not changing and i can predict that i will be in the same place at 3am then i dont see why going home would be so bad. I mean sleep is justttttt GREAT these days! Maybe i only feel this way lately because i seem to always be busy. So lately i'd sacrifice an hour between 2-3am to sleep if it meant when i woke up at 7 the next morning i didnt want to kill myself.
The reason i bring this up is the peer pressure to stay if you leave before the "end". Regardless of why or when you are leaving people are still going to pressure you to stay and say all kinds to make it happen. The pressure not to leave will always exist, its a right of passage you need to experience with every group outing if you want to leave before the only ones left are the incoherant, mess' that probably should have not had those tequilla shots.
Im thinking that this condition is seasonal though, it depends on whether its summer and you can stay out late and sleep in most the time, or whether you have work and/or school the next day and have to be up in less than 5 hours. I like my sleep and i like to stay out late too. At 145-2 unless i forsee the next hour to be a "this is going to be instesting, i dont want to miss this" then a good time can be concluded at any point its not always at 3am, even with the peer pressure.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

“Cyberspace. A consensual hallucination experienced daily by billions,”

Cyberspace is sick (real sick, not the cool kind), What inappropriate actions were once only seemingly occurring on the dark streets of the foreign world are now happening in our hands, literally. Dramatic, however we've all come to know this long before i brought it up here. The fact that 'sex'ting has become an actual word is weird. Just before on my MSN news it asked me if i wanted to know if i had a 'sexting' problem?!
Now not only are psychologists going to have to weed through peoples issues they are going to have to include the fact that most of this interaction takes place through a screen. Websites like facebook, twitter, chat roulette etc... and the fact that all our information, cv, photos, papers, are digital makes reality kind of lacking of tangible proof of ourselves.
This constant appropriation of ourselves onto a digital world is scary. What happens when facebook no longer works like floppy disks? Who are we then and who are our friends because right now i have about 300.
MSN and ICQ became super popular because it allowed you to say things to people you wouldn't say in person and have long awkward conversations from the safety of your own screen.
Someone i recently started talking to asked me if we were 'MSN dating',and it was true in a sense that we were getting to know eachother through the PC but in reality i probalby hadn't had a longer than 5 min convo with him. What if tomorrow all communication lines were cut, what are we left with? Who are we left with? Who are you?
It just got me to thinking about all the things that computers and phones have allowed us to do based on this illusion of a safety net. In reality by communicating in the past we'd open doors, but rather than opening doors for ourselves to walk through we are just opening windows all over to get a look at whats out there.

From age to age, nothing changes, and yet everything ..... is completely different

Ageing gracefully is one thing but when do we start to worry about this? Usually its when we start seeing the signs of ageing and its already getting late. They say that our bodies continue to peak until we are 25 and then after that its pretty much a downhill course. Surely there are those who can be obese at 25 and then by 30 be fit but its still only the best you can be at 30 rather then the best you could have been at 25.
Anyhow i find age creeps up on us quickly, as we start to near 25+ i have friends who claim they cant work as well hungover as they used to. Or is it that our jobs have actually become real jobs and now we have to actually do stuff rather than just fake it. There are small wrinkles, frekles, and for guys gray hair. Its scary really jsut when you thought you were coming out of being young youre already showing signs that you are old! Sometimes I wonder if the fact that there is sunscreen in my moisturizer that ill age better than my parents did? Although now the sun is stronger than back then.
Point is i think one day... well jsut wake up and well be old and we'll have no clue how we got there.

“For every minute spent in organizing, an hour is earned.”

It does not make me feel very good that i just saw a redcross commercial that said we should all have first aid kits ready. Not a car first aid kit, not a bathroom first aid kit with bandaids but a house kit. Water, blankets, flashlights, food, gloves, toilet paper...etc etc its a big one. Im not sure where they expect people to put this because if there is a disaster and im in my house anyway theres a good chance ill have access to my fridge and not need the water bottles in that kit, or the kit will be in a room i dont have access to. I dont know. It seems like a good idea. Ive thought about perhaps always carrying around extra snack and water incase i get trapped somwhere when the world falls on my head. Its not even funny... or unrealistic. I heard a story about a guy in Haiti who got trapped right next to a twelve pack of pepsi...and he drank that for a week! Or the guy who's Iphone saved him by givin him medical info. I need to get myself that phone i think!

"For you see, the world is governed by very different personages from what is imagined by those who are not behind the scenes"

I just learned that GAGA is controlled by the Illuminati. Sounds kind of crazy but it isnt. The iluminati are largest most powerful fraternity in the world based in West Europe and North America, composed of some of the most powerful names we know; Rothschild, Rockefeller, Morgan, Lazard, Warburg, Schroder and Schiff.
America is created by Freemasonry and essentially tells us so as they have the symbolism on the white house as well as on the one dollar bill; the pyramid with the eye. Among other things they control all financial systems as well as all Media. George Bush was a Freemason and there are many celebs in the music industry who are said to be as well. You can just Google Freemason and any of the following names Jay-z, Kanye, GAGA.
Basically these people are given fame and power for control over the masses. It explains why they are so popular.
All signs point to yes for GAGA
Her name...suggesting her strongly impressionable personality.
Lightning symbol, electromagnetic shock used by the "cult"
Hiding of the eye particularly the left: probably the most notable symbol of Freemason as seen in the pyramid on the one dollar bill.
Making the 666 symbol with her hand.
The Ram feature in Paparazzi, Bad romance as well as in her attire in public which is a satanic symbol.
Essentially being a Fame Monster means you will do anything to be famous, there is also a whole implication for reptiles.
Anyway ive seen JayZ make these symbols and with Kanyes attitude there is no doubt he will do ANYTHING to be number one.
If you read this article or you tube Freemason and those artists it will show you the symbolism.
here is the artcle with a few examples. http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=1676
The reason this is intriguing is because we are being influenced by the occult, mesmerized by their videos as well as by their songs. Here is the link to the references made about the lyrics of Bad Romance http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=2737

Think Glocal

Think Glocal is a little catch phrase that has been around for a while. It implies that; to have change at a global level we need to have local initatives. It really gives me hope to see the entire world come together to help Haiti. It is these global communities that are amazing.

There are probably very few places in the world that havent heard of the situation in Haiti. Armies of people are voluntarily helping out a neighbour in need. Truly these people are our neighbours as if they lived in the house next door.One day we may need sugar and they will be there for us. (ecpesially if its sugar) Imagine, if we can have such a movement for a cause in so little time, the potential we have for other causes.

If we can get the world to participate and donate millions of dollars and help to one country then why cant we get the ball really moving on other subjects. Its really about what people care about. I dont know why the world has yet to care about the environment clearly we all know its a problem but still changes are so small. Imagine as catastrophe becomes more common due to environmental changes... what will we do then? We cant send the US army to every country at once. I think that the global community needs to identify the environment as an issue and maybe we can have the same kind of aid initiatives and really make some changes. Because,clearly, we are able.

"Carrying your own weight is far more satisfying than running free while others carry it for you. "

One time while getting my hair cut my hairdresser said that he needed to re consider all his friends. He said that they were dragging him down and that sometimes you need to take a look at your life and get rid of certain people or change those relationships.

I was thinking about this in class because we all received an A+ in a course and i know that 99% of us don't feel as if this one person deserves an A+. I'm upset because there a few people sitting around this conference table that don't deserve to be here. We as groups are literally dragging these people through this program as they grasp onto our heels begging for help. there are other people who have too many exceptions, cant ever meet cause of religious holidays or cant take initiative cause of underlying conditions. It wouldn't be stylistic to go out and tell the Prof about these situations because as far as i know being the rat gets you into more trouble then staying quiet. There are situations like this in our personal lives as well. Some of us are always attending to another's needs, accommodating another, picking up all the loose ends of their life that they cannot.

Sometimes its easy to change the relationship you have with these people by just ending them, in school its a little bit harder. Id like to think that when it comes down to it, these people will be given a real job and not be able to do it on their own. However i think that sometimes we should all end relationships with those people who are holding us back in anyway or making our life any more difficult than it should be.

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.”

Why is the accepted model of living one where we are attached to someone else by the hip?
Why are the people who are single getting such a hard time for it? Trust me, we dont know why we are single. Do you know why you are in a long term relationship? Sometimes its just easier to be single or in a relationship than not.

Theres this annoying theory that people choose the wrong people on purpose however, without realizing it. Apparently these bad guys have stamps on their heads that only the taken people see. Theory is we all give off a vibe, but its impossible to figure out your own vibe without, im sure, a ton of therapy.

We all give off an energy vibe which picks up on others and this is why we end up friends, in relationships, and in betweens with people. Now, it would be useful to be able to control this kind of thing but you cant. Its like a game were all playing and some of us are playing in the dark.

Maybe some of us subconsciously act to block out certain things they are afraid of, maybe others take on relationships to systematically control what they cannot for themselves. Truth is were all messed up whether you're in a relationship or not. Its not fair to claim relationship = stability.

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.” ~E.J

There isn't much to say about Jealousy except that it can stem from a great many things:

Love
Friendship
Beauty
Success
Property

Seeing as how it can apply to so many situations its just a word made up for all the things and times that situations didn't go our way. If you can accept the world for what it is then you can be reasonable

Kants Transcendental Idealism.
"transcendental idealism as a "distinction between the phenomenon and the thing in itself, and a recognition that only the phenomenon is accessible to us" because "we do not know either ourselves or things as they are in themselves, but merely as they appear." (Schopenhauer)

Accept things for what they are in and of themselves not for what you make it up to be.

“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules” -DA

Why is news always, at least for the most part, bad news? I was thinking that they should have a good news Tv station which would be more like the GMH website than the FML website. I mean whether its good news or bad news its still news. Sometimes no news is good news! Which I guess in our case would be true, if there was no war to report on that would be good news. Mitsumi would be out of a job, I heard she was kind of a B*tch anyway.

I was also thinking about how when you do 'good deeds' your not allowed to tell anyone about them otherwise they dont count. (towards ur credits of getting into heaven right) That kind of sucks because you want to spread good news but your selfish if you talk about it. Does this mean that when people do bad they should talk about it. Probably yes, solve their inner issues and face their consequences and I guess this is why we have news like we do on TV!

Occasionally you do hear a good story, like today in the Gazette about a dog that was brought across the country by a complete stranger to get him home. There is more good in the world than bad, just nobody talks about it.

“I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!”

Im going to complain here... (no surprise right)
I want to KILL the guy that lives on top of me right now!!!
I thought 11oclock was like quiet time! I swear he moves the furniture around his room every night. And when he does go to sleep he snores so loud its like hes in my room.(creepy thought)
I hate these tenants and I feel like my family should kick them out. They are not the angels they think they are. They are taking major advantage of us right now and I cant wait till monday im sending them RENT INCREASE and rules on being quiet after 11.
I know its Saturday but I have work at 8 am. New Years is over hopefully he made the resolution to get a real car, play less video games, and move out of his parents before his next birthday, which by the way is definitely something like his 37th or more.
Anyway needed to let that out..maybe ill also send him my blog link so he reads this haha sigh...