Awake

I lie here awake, going on two hours, the reason...i guess thinking too much. What am I thinking about? What is keeping me awake im not sure. The things i've thought about in the last 2 hours have ranged from replaying bad moments i've lived through over in my mind, as i often do, to wondering whats next in life. When am I going to go to Brazil, Australia and Europe? When am I going to move...when am I going to be on my own? When am I going to get a job? When, if i get a job, can i travel? Can i afford to travel if i move out? When is the right time to do all these things? What will they think of me when I do these things? Why am I alone? Whats wrong with me? Is it by choice? I relived your accident even though i wasn't there, I relived when we broke up, I relived when i told him about her problem, I relived moments and played them out differently. I thought about when and what you think about me. I've been happy, I've been mad, I've been sad.... lying awake for the last two hours.

..

We have this weird idea that suggests that when turning another year older we can just start new. Or when the new year rings we will be everything we are not and we will rid ourselves of our own personal demons. Well, it just doesn't work like that because nothing changes overnight. Change happens when you dont realize its happening. We never wake up one day and completely change, we can perhaps change a few of our actions but there is no way that its without struggle. A smoker doesn't wake up and decide to quit and never think of smoking again. Its the same with everything else, there is always the ideas and thoughts that will not leave until one day you turn around and realized they somehow snuck out without anyone noticing.

lyrics

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me
Oh, we're scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

The things we love always come to be the same things that will kill us, literally and figuratively. Lately I feel as though i've come a bit closer to earth than I may have been acting during those frivolous summer nights - a dreamier time. A time where things that were so far fetched were actually, maybe, quite possible. However i found that having such dreams was actually hurting me. Everyone one says that we have to have dreams but, how do we control them? When is too much dreaming going to hurt us?
There are some people who dream so much, in the things they say, the things they think and the things they try that they are constantly feeling like they are lost and unsuccessful. Maybe being a big dreamer in the NOW generation isn't working. I mean we want everything to happen right away and when it doesn't we drive ourselves mad. So question is how much dreaming is appropriate for each individual?
I've come to believe that although i do miss indulging in an, i don't want to say unrealistic, but fantastic dream, I do prefer to live a little closer to reality at times, where I don't feel as lost.